


Precious Pain

by TMar



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 21:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17067734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: A scene that goes somewhere by the aired flashback scene in TNG in which Picard had hair.





	Precious Pain

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in March of 1994.

PRECIOUS PAIN

Beverly Crusher sat with her three year-old son in their sunroom and smiled  
to herself. The child was growing well. He was currently playing with a small,  
white, fluffy puppy that his father had given him for his birthday. His  
father... at this thought, Beverly frowned, looking into her child's eyes.  
Jack Crusher... her husband. He loved Wesley, but... 

Beverly suddenly could not sit still any more. She jumped up, saying,  
"Wesley, I think you've made Timmy tired. Let him have a rest now and come and  
eat your dinner."

"Mom, is Daddy coming home soon?"

What can I say to him? Crusher asked herself. "Yes, Wes, the day after  
tomorrow. And then we'll go on a picnic." She forced herself to smile at her  
child, as his face lit up. "Can I bring Timmy?"

"'May I bring Timmy.' Yes." Suddenly the comm panel beeped, and Crusher  
went over and activated it. 

"Doctor, an emergency patient."

"All right, Louis, I'll be right there." She picked Wes up. "Come on,  
honey, Mommy has a patient."

She'd settle Wesley at the hospital, attend to the patient, and then...  
Then I go back to waiting for Jack to come home, she thought. I go back to  
wondering how I'll ever be able to face him. I've faced him for four years.  
It gets harder.

***

But instead of hearing in two days, the panel beeped again early the next  
morning. "Doctor Crusher?"

"What now?"

"It's... it's Starfleet Command."

Immediately Beverly knew. Yet, somehow, she didn't fall apart. She didn't  
even go cold; all she went was numb. "It's Jack, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Put it through, Louis."

A Starfleet admiral appeared on the screen. "Doctor Crusher, I'm sorry  
to inform you..."

"Jack's dead. Isn't he?"

"I'm afraid s... yes."

"Thank you."

"It happened while he was on the Stargazer. Something..." 

But Beverly cut him off. "I'll find out later, Admiral, thank you." And she severed  
the link. There was no time even to think before she looked up to find a three  
year-old child standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes. "Mom, I had a bad dream."

"I'm coming, Wes." Keep going, she told herself. There'll be time for  
grief later.

***

Wesley was playing with the puppy again, oblivious to any disturbance. His  
mother was staring at him, but seeing nothing. Jean-Luc Picard would be coming  
soon; so had his messages indicated. She had hoped she'd never have to look  
at him again, and especially not now. But it was not to be, as her door  
chimed.

"Hullo, Jean-Luc." She said it without emotion, not even looking at him.

"Beverly."

"Come in."

Picard walked in, and sat in Jack's favourite chair. Beverly was about  
to ask him to move, but... what did it matter now. She sat on the floor with  
Wes and said nothing.

"I thought you'd want to know what happened," said Picard, sounding  
unsure of himself.

"Not really."

Picard continued as if he hadn't even heard her. "There was an emergency  
situation on the ship. I had to... I made a choice... it wasn't a choice  
really, it was a matter of saving lives, and..."

"Jean-Luc, please stop. I don't want to hear. I know the choices one has  
to make on a Starship, I've seen it enough. You had to choose, and you did.  
And Jack died. And now Wesley will..." She trailed off, turning to her son.  
"Wes, why don't you take Timmy for a run in the garden?"

"Okay!" The child rushed off, puppy in tow.

Crusher turned back to Picard. "Now Wesley will grow up without his f...  
without Jack's influence. Jack loved Wesley so much, he looked forward to  
seeing him grow up, and now..."

Picard leaned forward. "I think we both know the truth," he said.

And that did it. Beverly dissolved in tears, and jumped up from the  
chair. "The truth doesn't matter, don't you see! Jack loved my son! That's  
what matters! And Wesley loved him!" She stood angrily in front of Jean-Luc.  
"Every time, you do this! You confuse me! I don't want you in my house, or  
near my son! Just get out!"

Picard stood up, his own grief making him absolutely calm. "Beverly,  
Wesley is my son too."

Beverly laughed; a hard, mirthless laugh. "That doesn't matter one bit.  
You made your choice then, too. And every time you choose, it affects my life.  
No more, Jean-Luc. No more!"

She rushed away, and Picard followed, grabbing her arm. "I love you!" he  
raged. "I did it for you, because I love you! You needed Jack, not me."

"You killed him!" Beverly screamed.

"Is it really me you're angry with, or yourself?"

Beverly slumped to the ground. "I wanted to love him, I... And now he's  
gone, and I'll never be able to make up for the fact that every time he  
touched me, I thought of you! Every time I look at Wesley, I think of you! And  
he's gone, and you were the cause!"

"I guess you can't forgive either of us," stated Picard flatly.

"I guess not," said Beverly.

Picard took her in his arms. "Believe me, Beverly, I would have done  
anything to save his life. But there was no other choice. My responsibilities  
to the crew... I would gladly have exchanged places with him, I think you know  
that."

Beverly nodded. Neither had noticed, but they had sunk to the floor  
together, and sat tangled up in the hallway. "What am I going to tell my son,  
Jean-Luc? He's still young, maybe..." 

But Picard was shaking his head. "It's not me you need, not now. And if  
we did get married now, I think you'd blame me later for not giving you a  
choice."

Beverly's face was streaked with tears. "I love you, Jean-Luc, and I know  
I'll regret not having loved Jack more, but..." She sat up straight suddenly.  
"Where is he?"

"He's over at Starfleet Medical."

"I want to see him."

"I don't think you should."

Beverly got up. "I have to, Jean-Luc. I have to say goodbye. I have to  
find something to say to my son. Please."

Picard stood next to her, looking at her sadly. "You're not going to tell  
Wesley the truth, are you?"

"No."

"I understand. If you ever need me..." He didn't finish. 

"Yes." Beverly knew the standard platitudes, but Picard looked at her  
earnestly. 

"I mean it. If you ever need me, I'm here."

Beverly headed for the bedroom. "I'm going to change and then I'm going  
to say goodbye to my husband."

"I'll come with you," said Picard. He didn't want to think of her facing  
that ordeal alone.

***

They went. "Thank you for coming with me," Beverly said as they walked down  
the seemingly endless corridor. She was numb again; this time with denied  
apprehension. She was determined to get through it without going to pieces.

"It's the least I can do," Picard responded. He meant it.

***

They said goodbye outside the Medical complex. "Will I see you again?" Jean-  
Luc asked.

"I don't know. Maybe it'll be better if we never see each other again.  
Save us both a lot of pain."

Picard looked away to hide the hurt in his eyes; he hid it because he  
understood the hurt that Beverly was feeling and didn't want to make her pain  
worse. "Maybe it will," he said, not really agreeing, not in his heart.

Beverly held out her hand. "Goodbye, Jean-Luc."

Picard took her hand, ignoring the voice inside that told him to hold  
her, kiss her and never let her go. Do what she wants was the thought in  
his mind. She wants this. Let her go. 

"Goodbye, Beverly," he said, and watched as she walked off, her back to him.  
She didn't once look back. 

Picard turned and walked towards the Fleet main building, thinking he'd never  
see Beverly, or his son, again.

THE END


End file.
